Truly lost

For you non-saps, don't read this...I have a lot to share...Hello out there. It has been a long time since I have written, and a TON of things have happened in my life. Some I will share. Others, I'd rather not. Some have beaten me up pretty bad, but I am hanging in there. Updates on us...Kennedy was baptized on June 29th. I am so proud of her. Cadence is changing into this little chatter box who cracks me up. They both do with these nutty personalities, but Cadence has really come out of her shell lately. To call either girl sassy, is a HUGE understatement; however, MOST of the time, they keep it under control and it comes out funny and not disobedient. To add an update on me, I don't even know where to start. I haven't written about this because it's been very difficult for me to understand from the very beginning, so I had to deal with it one day at a time, and couldn't really explain a lot of what was happening. In a nutshell, I had finally given in to letting someone love me and to love wholeheartedly in return...I know...HUGE step for me. One that I honestly thought I would never be able to do before the girls were much older. But the situation was very complicated, to say the least. After much prayer and all situations considered, he and I now understand that we cannot be together. We've gone down an extensive road and our answer is a no. I do have to just talk for a minute though, about this man. I have only known him since September of last year, so not even a full year but it seems like a lifetime. He quickly became my best friend and someone I knew I loved very much; I just didn't really know how I loved him. Me and all my issues created quite a wall for someone to climb or at least penetrate through. However, he never gave up on me. He worked with me on all my issues with a pure and loving heart and encouraging me every step of the way. He loved me unconditionally and I can honestly say that I did things and said things to him that would have pushed any other man away. I had my own personal demons to deal with and instead of running away, he helped me fight them with a loving heart (sometimes tough love) and open arms through the entire process. I know that we haven't known each other that long, and it's not like one of those e-harmony things where we didn't spend real, quality time together. We met at church and we spent a lot of time together when he lived here in KY. But I can say without a doubt that he knew (knows) exactly how to love me. He wasn't perfect, and he knew I wasn't either. But he learned to love me as a person with faults. He didn't judge me, instead he got to know me better and to truly understand how I needed him to love me. I can honestly tell you that his love amazes me, it overwhelms me, and it paints a true picture of a Godly love-one that is unconditional. I have never had another human love me the way he has, and for that, I will be forever grateful to him. I told him all the time that I felt my love in return paled in comparison because I was time-contrained and emotionally-constrained for a long time. He assured me that I gave him plenty of love in return, but I just don't see how what I gave him, was ever worthy of what he gave me. The complication...he is gone now and living in another state. Because he is a wonderful father who is putting his child first, and I am the best mom I can be and keeping the girls close to their dad, we simply can't be together. Our prayer was not selfishly for our own happiness, but for what was best for our children and we prayed sincerely for God's will in our lives. I realize that we can't be together, and I know that God put him in my path for a reason. Maybe it was to teach me that I can be loved and can love in that way, after all. Who knows? But what I do know, is that even though I trust God completely and I know that He knows best...I hurt. I am truly at a loss on how to function. Because of the frienship we created at first, he became my "earthly" comfort. He was the one I talked to about everything going on in my life and he was the first person I called when anything happened to me. Good, bad, the ugly. I told him everything. Now, we are trying to distance ourselves because we know that we need to. But it's painful, and it creates a monster-sized emptiness. The saddest part about me is that I probably "missed" that kind of love all along. But I was too blind to even notice with all my "dude rules" or didn't even have time to care. I knew I was a little empty in that category, but I had plenty of laundry and mom-duties to fill the void. And I had so many walls, I honestly thought nobody would ever really get through anyway. But now that I've felt it, it's just hard to let it go, even though I know it's the right thing to do. Along with that, there are some other things going on with me...job, finances, family, the usual...but any prayers you could offer up on my behalf, would be much appreciated. Sorry to pour all of this out, I just had to finally talk about it. Thank you guys for loving me through all of my babbling...and Adam, thank you for showing me a love that I have never known. You are an amazing and wonderful man and I am so, so thankful that God blessed me through you. Knowing you and being loved by you has been the most amazing, life-changing experience, and I will never forget what you have done for me. I love you.